The changes we call 'Life'.

So its basically been a year from my last blog. I realized I'm pretty good at keeping this thing updated. haha. I have felt that its high time I share with my friends and those who may come across this a few of the things that have occured within this past year.
I was one lost girl last year around this time. I wasn't sure why I moved all the way across the United States - away from family and everything I've known to attend a school where I would know absolutely ZERO people. Well, I was put to work as soon as I got here. I was called to be in the Relief Society Presidency at church in my ward as the 2nd counselor. Boy, that was intimidating and super scary...I had no clue how I was going to be able to serve the girls in my ward when I was struggling with my own identity and spirituality among numerous other things.
 My first semester at SVU was one of the hardest semesters I've ever experienced in my college career. But in retrospect, I can honestly say that the Lord most definately had his hand in my life the entire time. I lucked out in having a Bishop (Bishop Walker) that I could relate to and who understood me. That played a huge part in my experience out here. On top of that, I was blessed to have a roommate who was a returned missionary and who was there for me EVERY time I needed a friend. When I came out here, I was struggling with my identity as a daughter of God and it was small, simple tender mercies that helped me along my way (i.e...my roommate, bishop, housemates and family - from the other side of the country).
 I eventually decided halfway through last fall semester that I needed to prepare to receive my endowments in the temple. That decision has been one of THE BEST I've EVER made in my life. That truly was what put all the pieces of my life back together. THAT was what helped me see my life in a fresh, new perspective. I met some incredible people fall semester, but I still didn't find where I fit in yet. I had a couple dates with an incredible guy but didn't really think anything of at the time. Spring semester is where he came in. :-)
I had the opportunity to visit my brother and sister in law in Washington over Christmas with the rest of my family as well as attend the Portland, Oregon temple December 27th, 2011 to receive my endowments. That was the major turning point in my life. It was the start of a new beginning for me. I came back for Spring semester revived and ready to face life head on. I was a new woman! I had direction, confidence, and was happier than I'd ever been before. Well, a few weeks into spring semester I saw this guy I'd been on a few dates with from fall semester and he wanted to get together..so, after a while we eventually made that happen. Our first date was a spaghetti date night where we ate dinner with no silverware...yes, I did that and yes, I most definately got down and dirty with my food. haha.
We hit it off...I had started playing lacrosse and he came to one of my games, took me on picnics, walks and we just spent time having fun with eachother. We were total goofs...just like little kids. It was great! We decided to make things official towards the end of February and I was the happiest I had ever been in my entire life. Everything was going SO incredibly well. I made a lot of great memories that I will never forget.
Well, long story short (and this is where the changes we call 'life' come into play), we broke things off at the end of the semester and that is where some of the major lessons in my life have been taught. I was confused, hurt, angry, sad and all sorts of emotions. But, God's tender mercies didn't cease in my life...in fact, at that point...that is where I was carried and lifted until I could walk again (metaphorically speaking). God knows each of us SO well that the changes we experience are given to help us grow, stretch and develop into the kind of individual He knows we are capable of becoming.
I was called to be the Relief Society President for the Summer and yet again...I felt the same way I felt when I was called to the Presidency for the previous fall semester - (how on earth was I going to lead these wonderful women whom I had the chance to serve and help them in their times of trial and growth?) I can testify that the Lord really does qualify those whom He calls - no matter what calling we receive. I felt like Angels were bearing me up. I know they were. With everything that had transpired previously with my dating life...my mind was trying to sort out how to deal with everything. I know the Lord knew me well enough that if He could help me to stay busy serving others and working the summer away, I would be just fine.
Well, thats exactly what happened. In fact, in the midst of the busyness of my summer, I decided to take a summer class. That just added to some of the stress I had been dealing with, but I'm so glad I was busy because through all of the organized chaos of my life...I came to really rely on my Heavenly Father and on Jesus Christ. I came to understand better who I am, what I want, why I do the things I do and I took an opportunity presented to me that would help me to become the BEST me I can be. I'm still participating in that opportunity and words cannot express my gratitude for those tender mercies I've received all summer long. All of these small changes have added up to be EXTRAORDINARY blessings giving me a clearer perception of where I'm headed and what the Lord wants me to be doing. I can honestly say that I'm SO humbled by the chance to experience pain and heartache because of who I am today and who I will be tomorrow and the day after that and so on.
I know that our Heavenly Father has a perfect plan for each one of us and that as we turn to him and humbly seek for His will, we will find it and we will experience the peace and joy that come from serving and following Him. I know that the changes we experience in our life are meant for our growth and benefit and as hard as what they are sometimes, we can make it through (even with a smile on our face). This life is BEAUTIFUL & Not always easy, but as we struggle daily to make it through - WE WILL MAKE IT!!
NEVER EVER EVER GIVE UP - in the end, the pain and heartache is worth the struggle. We are being shaped and molded into something more exquisite and beautiful than what we can ever imagine!!!

Re-Training my thinking...

Ok, sooo...I've decided from here on out I'm going to do my best to post everyday the 10 things that I can honestly say I'm grateful for, that have gone good for me. I've noticed that since I've been across the country, far away from any family, friends or familiarity...I've been a lot harder on myself than I need to be and its also been a very difficult adjustment where I've questioned what I'm even doing here. So, I figure in order to change that, I will focus on the good no matter how small it may be. That may possibly help me to become a more positive person and a happier one at that.
Sorry to all those of you who are looking for something a little more exciting. haha.

• My new computer came
• I was able to transfer ALL my important info from my other computer thats been overheating
• I got to talk to my mom several times today
• I was able to go to work
• I still have gas in my car
• I'm eating healthier...i.e. i ate fish today
• It didn't rain today
• I was able to answer more questions than what I expected to on my Humanities test today.
• I've been more relaxed today than any other day so far this week
• I have a very patient roommate

A few life lessons I've picked up.

Things I've learned over the past month:

• If a guy likes you, he will make an effort to get to know you.
• Life is full of ups and downs and you cant always plan for the unpredictable.
• Theres no reason to change yourself for someone, change yourself for you if thats what you want.
• Sometimes we just have to learn to "Go With The Flow"
• Things people say and do don't always match.
• Having "options" is a good thing.
• Its ok to focus on me.
• Some guys just don't get it.
• Communication is super important.
• You can't overthink things too much.
• I can be happy without having a boyfriend. (haha...well, duh!)
• Life is still AMAZING!!!

What I'm learning...

ok, wow! Today was EPIC!!! In our singles ward, we had "Bring your parents to church" day. Both my mom and stepdad came. It was wonderful having them back with me at church even if it was just for a day. But, I have to say aside from that...everything I heard at church was completely what I needed to hear. It was like it was just for ME. I don't know how to explain it, but it was super fantastic. Lately I've been on a dating kick and just frustrated and confused and well, I've just been struggling a bit. I've been battling with myself over so many different things. However, today it was like I had been hit over the head...in essence I received an answer to many prayers. I realized that I can only control what I can control. I know that seems like a "well duh!" but for me it was a bit of a breakthrough. haha. I'm coming to realize all over again who really is in control. And as much as I may hate having to go through things in which I can't always count on and prepare for knowing how to act, I know I am being stretched and taught how to handle these situations. I'm learning to develop patience (not only with others, but with myself as well), & I'm learning and being reminded of who it is that I need to rely on and trust in, plus soo many other things. Someone had said today that God blesses us with so much more than we can imagine and that sometimes we want what we want, when we want it (that sounds like me...haha), but they pointed out that if God were to give us everything we wanted at the moment we wanted it we would not be completely satisfied. He wants to give us the VERY BEST  and sometimes that requires us to trust that we will receive them in HIS OWN TIME. Good and even Great things take time, but they are worth the work and wait!! If we weren't stretched, we wouldn't grow and we need the growth...otherwise we could not progress and become all that He wants and knows we can become. I may have my days that I breakdown and question everything, but deep down I KNOW that everything is going to work out perfectly. I know that one day I will get everything I've always wanted and more...just gotta keep keepin on!

Put in the "Friend Zone"...

I have no idea what way is up or down or left or right anymore. I'm feeling so confused and hurt and just like I've been left in the dark. My worst fear came true today. I was officially put in the "friend zone". Awesome....NOT! Actually, I guess friends is better than nothing...but boy it was sure a blow to my ego. I've been spending a lot of time lately with this man friend of mine and I thought things were going pretty well. We seem to enjoy eachothers company and I've never laughed harder in my entire life. I feel completely at ease with him and so I was pretty ok with where things were going. I apparently read more into the situation than what there was, so now I'm completely left in the dark. After being put in the "friend zone", I have been having a hard time taking control of my feelings. I apparently liked this guy way more than what I thought I did. Boy, does that suck. haha. Somewhere in between today and where things were awesome...something happened. I don't know what. I'm confused. I wish I knew what to do, but I'm so full of emotion its hard to decide what happens next. I wish I could have someone tell me how to handle this and give me some insight into what lies ahead. But, until my fairy god-mother or god-father comes flying to my side, I will just have to go vertical and trust that God will lead me where I need to go.

"Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Bride"

I need to vent. So, for now this is my venting grounds. Those of you who read this may think that my struggles are miniscule and unimportant, but you know what? They are important to me. Think what you will, but for the next little while, I'm going to let it all out.
I am sooo tired of just being the friend and never the girl. You know..."always a bridesmaid, never a bride"? Yeah, well thats how i'm feeling. I feel like I'm just stuck in limbo watching everyone else get engaged and have relationships and move on with their life. Its really annoying and as much as I hate to admit it...I'm afraid I may be starting to become semi-bitter. Lame, I know...but, its how I feel. I'm not saying I don't have dating opportunities...cuz I do. They are good. I can't complain there. But, I think my expectations as to what I think should happen and when are maybe not so realistic. I have a super hard time with having patience, especially when it comes to something I've been denied for what seems like forever and my desire for it just keeps getting stronger.
 I have a few guys at this point in my life that I'm interested in. They seem to be interested in me. Things have been going pretty well with one, but I'm pretty sure I'm getting sucked into the "friend zone". I'm not saying that being friends is a bad thing...its not, in fact its the foundation for any successful relationship. The problem is....is that nothing ever goes past this point. I don't know why. I don't know if its me, or if its him...or if its some crazy cosmic force that's taking over. haha...ok its prob not the last one...but, I just wish I knew how to get myself out of this hole. Sometimes, my better judgement tells me to just go and find some super cute guy I know and make-out and just have a non-committment whatever...whenever I want.  Then, there is the part of me that reminds me that anything worthwhile is worth the effort and the wait. UGH! haha.
What does a girl do? What do I do? I want to have a successful relationship with someone, to be able to have someone like me for everything I am...quirks and faults included. Is that really possible?
Maybe the issue is me and not them....maybe I just need to stop getting attached so quickly. Maybe I just need to play the game. (which by the way...I can't stand.) But, thats the problem with being the type of person that cares about everyone. I just want someone to love and to take care of and almost everytime I try...I come off as overbearing and end up hurt in the end. Apparently, i just haven't found someone who can handle it.
I want to open my heart up, but when I try...thats when I start getting attached. How do you not make yourself vulnerable and yet still have things work out? haha. Maybe thats a dumb question, but I'm completely dumbfounded when I see these couples just jump into relationships so quickly and it seems to work out. Why doesn't anything like that happen with me? I dunno....its all just frustrating and I get sooo annoyed cuz I don't know whats going on.
Communication is key to any good relationship, but how do you find out how the guy feels about you without him thinking you are being just another "dumb girl"? Wasn't there some sort of manual I was supposed to get once I decided to start dating? haha. If anyone has the right answer...please, I will pay you for it! haha. jk...but, I wish dating was easier...I wish you didn't have to play the guessing game and I wish we could all just communicate clearly how we feel. Oh, the joys of life....

what an Amazing Day!

What an incredibly filled day. I am really starting to love my Sundays. I started my day at about 8am this morning and will probably be up for quite a while longer seeing as how I have work in 3 hours and haven't found time to sleep (which is what I should probably be doing now instead of blogging.) haha. I had an opportunity to serve a friend this morning before church and that helped me to get things in perspective and helped me to start my day off right. I then had the opportunity to go to church and participate in the gospel principles class. Thats the class that the missionaries bring their investigators to.
All I can say is wow! My friend Allen who has been investigating the church had the chance to bear his testimony and I loved it! He has such a strong one and it hit me  pretty hard. He and I have been talking off and on and its just so incredibly full-filling to see someone embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ the way he has. It has caused me to take a look at my own personal testimony and re-evaluate quite a few things. I'm just so excited about the gospel and have a huge desire to share it with those around me. I LOVE missionary work. I love the fact that I have been given the opportunity to help him and be the friend that he needs. He has decided to get baptized...in fact thats happening next week. I can't wait!
On top of that awesome experience, our ward was just adopted into a new Young Single Adult Stake. Its so awesome to me to see the Lords work roll forth. Such an awesome testimony builder. Plus, Sheri Dew spoke at a fireside right after. That was amazing! She spoke on knowing who you are, and understanding the Atonement of Christ as well as knowing how to receive personal revelation. She is one of my favorite people to hear speak. Everything said tonight was an answer to fervent prayer.
She just reminded us of how God does know who we are, where we are,  exactly what we need, exactly when we need it. Its sooo true too. I know He knows me. I've seen his hand in my life time after time. Theres no way I could deny it.
Its just been such a fantastic day....I wish I could fully express how great it was. I feel spiritually enriched and ready to take on the challenges ahead of me this coming week. :)